Maudlin Mardi Gras

Mardi Gras weekend and I don’t have a single decoration up or activity planned. This is the first year the hobbits wanted to celebrate, and I’m not ready or motivated.
Making beignets this morning eased some mommy guilt. I’ve considered a run to the crafts store to get materials for mask-making, and a bundt cake from the bakery they love. All of this I will enjoy too, but this year Mardi Gras is for the hobbits.
Looking forward to Lent. I do most years, but this time a little voice whispers that those forty days will be crucial. No clear reason, but I feel the weight of expectation.
I have a bottle of champagne waiting for something. Maybe Fat Tuesday will be that something. It’s also a special friend’s birthday, so that’s another something. I’ll be raising a glass alone, but sometimes it be like that.
Though this isn’t how I expected to exit this festive the season, I will admit to having laughed and celebrated more than I hoped, and certainly more than I deserve (if a case can be made that we ever DESERVE celebrations). Life is a carnival, my friends. May we all enjoy the celebration!

Laissez les bons temps rouler!

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Having my say

I’m still feeling some kind of way about having been talked over and my opinion dismissed during a conversation today. Few things frustrate me more than people or situations that aim to silence me. I’ve been going through my day trying to shrug it off, but the frustration isn’t dissipating, instead it’s digging in and settling into my spirit. Unacceptable. I have a space, several spaces, where I can have my say, where I can speak towards my peace. I’m here now. I need to come more often.

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First steps are the hardest. This thing here…I fully expect to wobble, stumble, and fall. Yet a fool learns to fall with grace and I’m a fool for a great many things, why not add another. Maybe I could try a 30 in 30 challenge. Thirty posts in thirty days. Nothing fancy, a simple goal for a simple life. Step by step. Here we go…

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Crying silent tears. Wish she wouldn’t listen so closely. Wish I could hide all these cracks in my happy veneer. But I seek her company and conversation because her gaze is deep and her ears are open. She sees through masks. I understand why some turn away. If my happiness was built of lies, she’d be terrifying.

jemini jolie on tumblr

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I’m apologizing too much. For me. For other people. For actions, feelings, and thoughts. Real and Imagined.

Time to be quiet. Time to pull back. When I feel the need to apologize for who and what I put out into the world then I know it’s time to stop. Time to pause.

My sick bed was a cage. I’m up from the sick bed and still in a cage. Wingtips brushed bars I didn’t know were there. I don’t know how to get out.

Time to get help.

jemini jolie on tumblr

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The angel on my shoulder is asleep. I’m lonely tonight. There are no whispers to soothe me. Only the whir of a spinning mind.

Where is my other muse? My celestial virgin. My guide along the straight and narrow. She too is beyond my reach. Silence, a cloak. Tonight, a shroud. I need to wrap myself in voices. Warm soothing voices.

This chill needs heat. Physical heat. Cheeks. Arms. Breath. Core furnaces heating flesh and blood. Desire simmers. My angel sleeps and I’ve tilted my halo. Oh Angel! Oh Virgin! Oh Muses! Sing to me…

Help me. I am alone. And so cold. I need to hear you. My voices. My warm and soothing voices.

jemini jolie on tumblr

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My son found a match on the floor and brought it to me. I reminded him not to play with matches…

He said , “I don’t play with matches, but I AM gonna set the world on fire!”

jemini jolie on tumblr


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Speak Softly, Carry a Big Heart

Strong and silent. Always has been, or for as I long as I’ve known him. Standing. Waiting. Listening. Quietly, for the most part.

His silence bothers me. I talk and I laugh, because I must talk, I must laugh. How does he remain so still, so quiet? I want the secret. He shrugs and smiles. So, I tease him. He doesn’t deserve it, but I can’t help myself. If I can’t be silent, then he must talk, he must laugh. And when he submits a few words, or a low chuckle, it is a hollow victory. Never sure if they were gifts or sacrifices.

Because when they’re true. When they’re birthed from volition, his laughter vibrates the air around him. His conversation rolls like the deep ocean. A wonder to witness. A force of nature.

Contained. Standing. Waiting. Listening. Quietly, for the most part

jemini jolie on tumblr


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I know:

that I don’t make sense. that I’m a mess. that I’m needy. that I cling too tightly. that I call too much. that I ask too much. that folk need time. that people need space. that I’m a grown woman. that things will get better. that time heals all wounds. that this too shall pass.

I wish:

upon a star. there were answers. there was time. there was trust. loneliness weighed less. i weighed less. the path were clear. to be found. to go home.

I pray:

for you. for me. for grace. for peace. for love. for guidance. forever.

jemini jolie on tumblr


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